Under the skin...

Crossposted from Blogetary...

Sunday, my dad and stepmom came down to visit and spend time with me and a cousin who now lives down here. Family vacations and outings can be a chore—ask anyone. But this last time it all went so very well. We had a great time. We were patient with each other, listened, joked, and actually heard each other. Good times were had by all. I was amazed! I'm a veteran of the family/friend outing where someone gets pissy or miffed or slams a door or needs to go take a timeout. But this was not the case this week. So, I was a little sad to see my dad and stepmom go, but it was the perfect amount of time, so it was all good.

On top of that, I still love my job. Really, really love my job. I'm thankful for it every day and felt guilty that I couldn't work past my normal quitting time because I had guests in town. I felt guilty because I like my work. That feels so good!

I was in a glow of goodness.

After Dad and my stepmom left, I went to dinner with some friends and it was amazing how fast that glow was shattered. Two sentences (maybe less) into my story about my idyllic family Fathers Day weekend one friend loses his temper at something I said. But instead of saying "sorry" like I normally do I actually stood up for myself, which just made it worse of course. And the rest of the evening was basically not the fun catchup dinner it was supposed to be and the golden glow I had about my visit was gone. No way I wanted to share it now, not if I was going to get yelled at.

We came to a truce, had a pleasant evening, but even then for some reason it seemed to be my fault the evening was ruined, even though it was someone else's bad behavior and hypocritical comments that had kind of sent things that direction.

So, no drama with the family, but drama with the friends.

That evening I couldn't get it out of my head, still can't. But last night I realized part of the success of one and failure of the other is that I have developed tools over the years to function in my family. Plus, as much of an ass as my dad can be, he can take as much as he dishes out, so if you're willing to stand up to him intelligently he's fine. I'd had three days of being able to hang out with a group of people who can tease and banter and give and take and it's EXPECTED that if you dish it out, you're gonna get some back. If you're gonna complain about someone being late then the next time everyone is waiting for you, you're going to hear about it. All in good fun because that's part of the art of good banter. But those are also the tools I have with my family.

With some of my friends, I don't have those same tools. I've let a codependent relationship develop where it's okay for me to be the butt of jokes but not okay me to dish it back. It's okay for them to play hooky from work but not okay for someone else to play hooky. I might be feeling a little under the weather, but it's not nearly as bad as what they're going through. Or, for some reason because I have a shell, smudge stick and mug on my bathroom shelf, I'm a packrat, even if I could fit all I own into a small Uhaul truck while they might have storage spaces, garages and rooms full of stuff they rarely even see, let alone use. I'm the one with the "artistic" temperament when they're the ones who throwing fits over the types of foods or materials that come near them. I might do the same to them. We project our fears and expectations on each other rather than seeing each other clearly.

That's an extreme description of several people and only from my own point of view. It's not always like that. And it's certainly not wrong for people to have their own perspectives or points of view. We aren't always so trapped in our own perspectives, but it goes there. And since I've been reading The New Codependency by Melody Beattie and rereading The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Han it struck me how I have gotten to the point, without realizing it, of needing tools to deal with my friends. I expected to need tools with my family. I didn't expect to need tools with my friends, so their remarks have stuck under my skin more than is necessary. I haven't had my boundaries up and at the ready when I should have.

So, last night when I was thinking over what I could have done or said differently to remedy or bypass the drama, I realized it would have been an Akido move - surrender to the blow and use the energy to come back in a detached and logical manner. I think, I don't know, that that would translate to letting my friend be angry, taking a deep breath, counting to 10 or 20 or 30, and then after he'd resumed a normal heart beat asked, "Why are you getting mad at me when you are obviously mad at someone else?" or "Why are you mad about someone doing something that you yourself have done many times and will do again many times more?" or "Why is this important to you? Why can't you allow for this without commandeering it for your own perspective?" "Why does anyone belong in a 'doghouse' when no one is at fault?"

But that's "couldawouldashoulda" or water under the bridge and I just need to release it and learn from it, and ultimately, understand that I need my tools for healthy interaction just as much with my friends as I do my family. And understand that when a friend is trapped in their own perspective or illusion of what life (their life, my life, someone else's life) should be, that I need to have patience with them so they'll have patience with me.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."