Coloring Outside the Lines, or as a friend would say - cOloRing ouTsiDe thE liNeS....

So, if you hadn't heard (or seen me post elsewhere), my Great Aunt Billie (Wilma Joyce Avant Ritter, 1920-2011) passed away early Tuesday morning. Billie's husband, Ralph, passed away years ago and they had no children. So, my mom had been looking after her and her care ever since her Alzheimer's became more self-evident and Billie's friends let us know it was getting beyond them. Billie needed more help. So, Mom moved Aunt Billie to and then visited her in the nursing home, making sure she had someplace to go on holidays and felt loved and with family for the past few years. And now Mom is the one also wrapping up Aunt Billie's affairs. Billie had many friends who will miss her now that she is gone, but with Ralph gone and those friends spread all over the world, I wasn't sure where to send a sympathy card - that tradition of solace we practice when people pass on. We do it because we don't know what else to do and "it's the thing to do". But, since Mom was closest to Great Aunt Billie these last few years I decided Mom would be the one to get the "traditional" thing - the sympathy card.

Thing is, I hate sympathy cards. My sister had the great idea of sending chocolate from both of us - something simple and gratifying that would make Mom feel good after a long day. But I thought, maybe I "ought" to still send a card, because it was "the thing". But, did I mention how much I hate sympathy cards? They're always so, soo, SOOOO sappy and serious and PASTEL. Ugh. I hate them. When you're grieving, of course, they're probably exactly what you need to help you feel like you're not alone in your grief. But, the "thing" is - the thing is this - our family's tradition when it comes to death is that the body is a shell. We're mostly of the "burn and toss" variety when it comes to the final goodbyes. Funeral plots, burial plans, large services with people dressed in black - just not a part of our experience. It was drummed into my head from an early age that once the spirit and soul have passed on and left the body behind, they've gone on to a better place. The best way we can celebrate them is to remember them, tell stories about them, joke about them. And laugh. Maybe share a bit where we'd like our own ashes to be tossed when it comes to our time (compost pile, redwoods, the ocean, the mountains, the garden...).

You could say, we're not a family that colors within the lines when it comes to death.

But I can never find any sympathy cards that talk about laughing about the old good memories of the loved one who has passed on. I want a card with a bad joke about death that will give the receiver an excuse to snort an inappropriate chuckle in the middle of their tears and the last rites of finding places to donate old belongings and dumping old medications. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows how much grieving and crying has already gone on. There needs to be a sunbreak in the rain clouds, occasionally.

This is one picture where I am definitely coloring outside the lines.

I don't like all the grim, dim pastel cards. I want bold, birthday type cards that celebrate the LIFE of the person who has passed on. I can't be the only one, can I? Who hates all those grim, dim pastel cards with their morbid and morose feel? But today, at Rite Aid, when I was looking at the cards spread out over the aisle I thought I must be the only one. The closest I could get to not being a sour, sad card was to pick up a vague "support" card. And even that was a bit too pastel, especially for Aunt Billie. But, it had butterflies, which I knew Mom would like. And glitter, which appeased me. So, it was the card that came home to be used as a sympathy card because it was "the thing" to do. Even then, I couldn't leave it as is, but had to make sure the message was more uplifting than the original intent.

But, as frustrating an exercise as the searching for the right card was, it was a good reminder that it's okay not to color in the lines. Aunt Billie was a good reminder that it's okay not to always color inside the lines. I'm not very good at it anyway, so it's not something I need to put my energy into - trying to fit within the lines. And in the end, I believe, those of us who are willing to own up to coloring outside the lines, not only have more ownership over our lives, but we also create better art work. ;-)